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31 March 2011

Vicky


“A seven and the rest are hearts,” placing his hand on the table Ian smiled at his best friend, “that’s three in a row I’ve won now.”

In disgust Tomas threw his remaining cards on the table and looked accusingly at his grinning friend, “how come you always know what I’ve got? Are these marked?”

“If they are you marked them,” joked Ian “they’re yours.” Picking up the disputed deck from the table Ian started to shuffle them before dealing another hand, “so come on then” he asked. “You still haven’t told me what happened with you and Vicky last night.”

“Nothing,” Tomas confessed, looking around the common room to make sure neither Vicky nor any of her friends were present before continuing. “I thought she liked me, I mean she never complained about me having my hand on her arse all night.”

Sensing something juicy Ian probed, “so what happened? Did you make a move?”

“Sort of,” Tomas admitted “but when I leant in to kiss her she turned away and I ended up with face full of pizza.”

“What sort?” Ian asked as he tried to keep a straight face but eventually the strain was too much for him and he burst into laughter almost falling of the table they were sitting on. “Do you fancy going to Papa Luigi’s tonight? You never know you might get to second base.”

Although he wanted to be angry at his friend’s lack of understanding Tomas couldn’t help smiling at Ian’s joke and the “fuck you” he came out with lacked any venom. Above them the bell rang for the next period and like trained seals they both picked up their bags and started towards the common room door. “I’ll see you at lunch,” he told Ian as they were about to go their separate ways.

“Are you sure I’m not going to cramp your style?”

“What?” Asked Tomas confused.

“I hear pizza’s on the menu.”

“Fuck off,” Tomas laughed as he watched his friend disappear down the corridor before turning to go to his dreaded weekly date with Mrs Miller in the chemistry lab. In a world of his own he was unaware of Rachel, Vicky’s best friend until he had almost run over her and not wanting to discuss pizza, which he was sure Vicky would have told her about Tomas began to walk briskly by but Rachel’s hand on his arm pulled him back. 

 “How did it go with Vicky last night?”

“Don’t you know? I thought Vicky would have told you everything.”

“She might have done,” Rachel replied evasively “but I want to hear it from you.”

Fearing Vicky had told her best friend everything Tomas owned up, “it was a disaster I ended up French kissing a fish pizza. It was like she didn’t want to know me.”

“What are you talking about? Vicky said she loved last night. She’s hoping you’ll ask her out again.”

“But I ended up kissing a stuffed crust!” Tomas exclaimed wondering if Vicky had been on a date with somebody else as well the previous night. “We spent the whole night holding hands but when I tried to kiss her she turned away from me.”

Rachel paused and looked at him with what seemed like pity written across her face. “Just because you didn’t kiss doesn’t mean Vicky’s not interested in you,” she explained patiently. “She’s not had a lot of experience with boys and she probably didn’t know what to do when you tried to kiss her but she does want to see you again. You are going to ask her out again aren’t you?”

“I don’t know” Tomas replied honestly. “What if I do and the same thing happens? How am I supposed to know when she’s ready for me to kiss her?”

“She’ll let you know. You’ve just got to read the signals correctly.”

Shaking his head Tomas looked at Rachel doubtfully “and what are the signals?”

Smiling Rachel patted Tomas on the arm, “you’ll have to work that out for yourself” she told him. “And when you do she’ll have probably changed her mind anyway it’s a girls prerogative,” Rachel added laughing.

Confused Tomas watched a smirking Rachel walk down the corridor and wondered to himself if he was ever going to understand the opposite sex.

24 March 2011

And In Desperation


Last night I came calling at your door,
But you didn’t want to let me in,
As I called through your letterbox,
I heard you whisper you mentioned sin.

Who’s to say who’s to blame?
I can’t even remember her name,
I took her home with me that night,
A decision that will haunt my life,
Just another one night stand,
She meant nothing you understand,
It was just a rebound thing,
And now in desperation I sing.

I see their faces walking down the street,
Pick out their face’s who I know,
They shift uncomfortably force a smile,
Make their excuses and they go.

Then there’s those who cross the street,
Hoping that I won’t notice them,
They could have made the same mistakes,
I think I would still have called them friends.

Who’s to say who’s to blame?
I can’t even remember her name,
I took her home with me that night,
A decision that will haunt my life,
Just another one night stand,
She meant nothing you understand,
It was just a rebound thing,
And now in desperation I sing.

I’ve found my friends now I look,
They’re the ones still by my side,
They say that when things go wrong,
They’re the ones who refuse to hide.

And I thought you would be there,
No matter what my disgrace,
You broke my heart when I told you,
And I saw that look on your face.

Who’s to say who’s to blame?
I can’t even remember her name,
I took her home with me that night,
A decision that will haunt my life,
Just another one night stand,
She meant nothing you understand,
It was just a rebound thing,
And now in desperation I sing.

But this is not going to be my end,
It’s not over until that bell rings,
I’m going to fight and keep on fighting,
And in desperation I will sing.

17 March 2011

Oatcake Banquet


(A North Staffordshire delicacy fit for pot bank workers and kings alike)

Ingredients
4 Oatcakes per person
Grated Cheese
Bacon (optional)
Tossed salad (if entertaining)
Jam
Ice Cream (if entertaining)

Method
a)    If non vegetarian fry bacon in frying pan until crispy. Put oven on a high(ish) heat
b)   Sprinkle a line of cheese down the center of the first oatcake and if using top with shredded bacon.
c)    Roll oatcake up as if rolling an handmade cigarette (or something similar)
d)   Repeat steps b & c until half of the oatcakes have been used
e)    Place roll ups on baking tray and place on a baking tray and place in pre heated oven
f)    Whilst the main course is cooking take an oatcake and smear with jam
g)    Roll oatcake up as if rolling an handmade cigarette (or something similar)
h)   After listening to half a dozen rock songs (or I’d Do Anything For Love twice) take first batch of oatcakes out of the oven and replace them with the jam oatcakes
i)     If trying to impress a lady friend place two oatcakes on a plate next to tossed salad to serve. If you are on your own simply carry them through to the lounge juggling them in your hands and eat whilst watching the television
j)     Once eaten take the pudding out of the oven
k)   If trying to impress a lady friend place two oatcakes on a plate next to ice cream (chocolate sauce is always advisable if you wish to put said lady friend “in the mood.”) If you are on your own simply carry them through to the lounge in your hands and eat whilst continuing to watch the television

Serving Notes

If any dinner guest requires tomato ketchup to accompany their oatcake suggest they try the local fish and chip shop for their meal, making a mental note not to invite them to your house ever again.

If any dinner guests laugh when you serve up the oatcakes and go on to tell you they have eaten oatcakes that look nothing like what you are giving them, kindly inform them what they are talking about are biscuits and treat said guest as if they had requested tomato ketchup.

Oatcakes are God’s gift to his chosen people therefore when consuming them please remember God wasn’t French so they should not be served with wine (unless you are of the female persuasion with an aversion to apple based alcoholic beverages). Neither was God American, Australian, Belgian or German and therefore he would not take kindly to lager being consumed with his manna. The perfect drink to accompany any oatcake banquet (or at any other time (apart from a children’s party)) is of course a Staffordshire ale.

10 March 2011

Caroline


“And do you know the craziest thing? When I told her we were through she started crying! Can you believe that?”

“You had just dumped her!”

“I know but she was the one cheating on me.” Filled with indignation Ian rummaged through the box of twelve inches in front of him trying to find something take his mind off his slut of an ex girlfriend and then he found it. 
“Look its here,” he shouted to Tomas as he cradled the latest Dog’s record in arms. 

“Yeah!”

Stunned by the lack of enthusiasm in his best friend’s voice, now they had found the record they had spent weeks searching for Ian looked over at Tomas only to discover, it seemed, his friend’s attention had not been on his tales of Emma’s infidelities. “Who are you looking at?” He asked as he searched the market stalls for who or whatever had diverted Tomas’ attention. 

“No one,” Tomas replied sheepishly, realising his lack of interest in his friend’s love life had finally been rumbled. Belatedly he looked at the twelve inch cradled lovingly in Ian’s arms and hoped the interest he was now showing would be enough to appease his friend but the wicked smile on Ian’s face told Tomas he had spotted the red headed girl on the other side of the market.

With a grin like the Joker's Ian looked in the direction of the red head and smiled, “not the red head by the Oatcake stall then. You know you should go and speak to her if you’re interested.”

Something about the twinkle in Ian’s eye, which had been missing ever since his friend had discovered Emma’s unfaithfulness told Tomas Ian was acquainted with the object of his fascination and so he asked “what are you smiling for?” But when no answer was forthcoming Tomas shrugged his shoulders and walked across the market towards the girl he found so fascinating.  “I saw you from over there and I just had to come and talk to you,” Even as the words left his mouth Tomas winced.

Thinking he might have a chance of sneaking away before the red headed girl turned to see the idiot who had delivered such a lame chat up line, Tomas was about to turn and run when the red head turned and smiled. “Hi what are you after oatcakes or pikelets?”   

“Err” was all Tomas could think to say as he tried desperately not to look at the hearing aid in the girl’s ear.

Five minutes, a dozen oatcakes and half a dozen pikelets later Tomas marched up to his best friend who was doubled over in laughter by the record stall. “You bastard you knew all along.” Seeing the delight in Ian’s eyes Tomas didn’t wait for a conformation but turned and stormed out of the market in disgust at his friends sick sense of humour.

The next twenty four hours for Tomas were packed full of surprises, the first was discovering he couldn’t get the red headed oatcake girl out of his head and to his amazement the following morning found him standing there once more at her stall. And then when he asked if she wanted to go out with him to the pictures that evening, the second surprise was that just like the man form Del Monte she said yes.
Waiting outside the Cannon for Caroline, his oatcake girl, Tomas felt more nervous than he usually did on a first date but his nerves floated away like butterflies as Caroline turned the corner and he found himself face to face with his red headed oatcake girl. “Do you want to go and see . . .” he began before looking at her hearing aid. 

 “I can lip read you know,” Caroline told him as if she could read his thoughts. “Most of the time I can even make out what the actors are saying but cartoons are a bitch,” she added a smile playing on her lips.  

“Shit and I was going to suggest My Little Pony, I’ve been looking forward to seeing that.”

In the end they decided against the pictures and a few hours later found them in Chico’s where Tomas apologised for the relentless dirge of Acid House. 

 “You don’t have to apologise,” Caroline told him for what seemed to her the thousandth time. “My little sister always says the music in here is crap so you see sometimes being deaf does have it’s advantages.” 

In the background an unknown singer cried out “how low can you go?” and as they kissed Tomas’ mind went back to that first chat up line and he thought to himself the advantages were maybe more than Caroline knew.

4 March 2011

16


It’s been sixteen days since you left me,
Told me we were through,
For sixteen days I’ve been thinking,
Of nothing else but you,
My friends when they come to see me,
Say I’ve got to try to forget,
So here I am in this nightclub,
Trying but then yet,
I miss you every second of every day,
I love you why did you have to turn me away?

I want a girl with bright blue eyes,
To pick me up and tell me lies,
Buy me a drink and treat me right,
Take me home, take me tonight,
And when I wake the pillows empty,
I don’t care that all she did was use me,
Just as long as I’m not alone tonight,
When the lights go out hold on tight.

I’ve been sixteen minutes stood at this bar,
Watching the world go by,
Sixteen tequilas are singing their song to me,
And a tear forms in my eye,
My friends are all out there dancing,
Each talking to a girl,
But I can’t help myself from thinking,
There’s nothing left in this world,
Without you what is to come of me,
I loved you but you said you had to be free.

I want a girl with bright blue eyes,
To pick me up and tell me lies,
Buy me a drink and treat me right,
Take me home, take me tonight,
And when I wake the pillows empty,
I don’t care that all she did was use me,
Just as long as I’m not alone tonight,
When the lights go out hold on tight.
 
It’s been sixteen hours since she left me,
Lying in my bed,
As I watched her sneak out of my door,
I thought of you instead,
My friends have all been calling me,
Asking how I spent the night,
Should I tell them of her bright blue eyes?
Or how she held me tight,
Or of you and what you meant to me,
I loved you but did you ever love me?


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