Oatcake Banquet

(A North Staffordshire delicacy fit for pot bank workers and kings alike)

Ingredients

4 Oatcakes per person

Grated Cheese

Bacon (optional)

Tossed salad (if entertaining)

Jam

Ice Cream (if entertaining)

Method

a)    If non vegetarian fry bacon in frying pan until crispy. Put oven on a high(ish) heat

b)   Sprinkle a line of cheese down the center of the first oatcake and if using top with shredded bacon.

c)    Roll oatcake up as if rolling an handmade cigarette (or something similar)

d)   Repeat steps b & c until half of the oatcakes have been used

e)    Place roll ups on baking tray and place on a baking tray and place in pre heated oven

f)    Whilst the main course is cooking take an oatcake and smear with jam

g)    Roll oatcake up as if rolling an handmade cigarette (or something similar)

h)   After listening to half a dozen rock songs (or I’d Do Anything For Love twice) take first batch of oatcakes out of the oven and replace them with the jam oatcakes

i)     If trying to impress a lady friend place two oatcakes on a plate next to tossed salad to serve. If you are on your own simply carry them through to the lounge juggling them in your hands and eat whilst watching the television

j)     Once eaten take the pudding out of the oven

k)   If trying to impress a lady friend place two oatcakes on a plate next to ice cream (chocolate sauce is always advisable if you wish to put said lady friend “in the mood.”) If you are on your own simply carry them through to the lounge in your hands and eat whilst continuing to watch the television

Serving Notes

If any dinner guest requires tomato ketchup to accompany their oatcake suggest they try the local fish and chip shop for their meal, making a mental note not to invite them to your house ever again.

If any dinner guests laugh when you serve up the oatcakes and go on to tell you they have eaten oatcakes that look nothing like what you are giving them, kindly inform them what they are talking about are biscuits and treat said guest as if they had requested tomato ketchup.

Oatcakes are God’s gift to his chosen people therefore when consuming them please remember God wasn’t French so they should not be served with wine (unless you are of the female persuasion with an aversion to apple based alcoholic beverages). Neither was God American, Australian, Belgian or German and therefore he would not take kindly to lager being consumed with his manna. The perfect drink to accompany any oatcake banquet (or at any other time (apart from a children’s party)) is of course a Staffordshire ale.